Feb 15 2010
The UFO March of Shame
Hiding in corners and under pillows (and namely in my guest room, which I had to clean out today to welcome our house guests for the next two weeks), are the UFOs.

You know the type - the projects you stuff away because you’re hoping they’ll finish themselves when you’re not looking. Frankly, they are starting to haunt me. They’re getting older than I am comfortable with, some edging over the dreaded one year mark. I’ve been ignoring them as long as possible, filling in my knitting time with happy little hats, socks, and quick baby projects. But the time has come - I must kill off these UFOs.
To you, dear public, I confess my sins of neglect. Behold, The UFO March of Shame.
#1) THE VEST OF MY DISCONTENT

The pattern is Stephanie Japel’s Back-to-School U-Neck vest, and I was thrilled and excited to have my very own preppy vest. I was working away on it, only slightly annoyed that the dye from the Cascade 220 I was using kept coming off on my hands. Then my hands abruptly broke out in hideous eczema, all around my fingers where I tensioned my yarn. That was the death knell for this project, but I wasn’t ready to let go. I stuffed it in a bag and ignored it for a while. And then a while longer. Every time I looked at it, I started to get itchy again.
I keep thinking I might try and finish it off anyway, but the idea of itchy hands just to have a vest that will probably dye my shirt teal just isn’t doing it for me. Do I rip, get rid of the yarn and call it a loss? I haven’t been able to bear the idea of calling it a complete failure yet, but I’m still not eager to try again.
#2) THE PURPLE MENACE

This is a gift for a friend, though I’m sure by this point she thinks I’ve forgotten about it. I don’t even know what stopped me, but I ran out of steam around the time I was supposed to divide for the front and back, and knit to the shoulders. Something about bust shaping just completely freaks me out - why, I cannot explain. This is the Twist Collective pattern Bernhardt by Alison Green Will, and I was adjusting the pattern as I went to account for the aran weight yarn. Things were working out nicely. But as I let it sit for a few months, I became tired just thinking about the idea of digging out my gauge notes, figuring out where I’d left off, and trying to continue.
#3) THE “I’LL JUST DESIGN A SWEATER AND KNIT IT IN A WEEK” SWEATER

Ok, I feel legitimately bad about this one. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, and things were going so well through knitting the body (in 3 days!), that I was absolutely confident I would finish it within 7 days. I mean, the gauge on this thing is 11sts over 4 inches. How could I not finish it in a week? I designed my colourwork pattern, I figured out everything to fit me, and then I hit the bust shaping. OH GLORY ME, NOT THE BUST SHAPING AGAIN. After ripping out the front four times, I stuffed it in a bag and set it sit.
Then about a month ago, I thought this was silly and tried to pick it up again. I powered through my notes and redid the front and back. A small victory dance was done, and I decided to carry my enthusiasm straight into the arms.
Unfortunately, I stumbled on the colourwork bands on the arms. I kept mucking up the length of my floats, ending up with both loose and puckered stitches. I did a little reading and decided to try knitting the sleeves inside out, but then just ended up with saggy loose stitches every row instead of haphazardly spread throughout. So I stuffed it back in the Bad Sweater Bag.
#4) MITTENS TO MATCH A HAT I WEAR ALL THE TIME

In October, I went to the Vermont Sheep and Wool festival with some friends. I bought a kit from the lovely folks at Green Mountain Spinnery, and made myself Melissa’s Hat, a pattern by Melissa Lumley. I had a ton of wool left over from the kit, and being pleased with the way the hat turned out, decided to make myself some matching mittens.
However, gauge issues (and that pesky float-length issue) forced this project into early retirement. In fact, I pulled the needles out of the cuff completely and decided to scrap it. As with the hat, I have decided to knit them up two needle sizes and then felt them down a bit. Naturally, I haven’t gotten around to it yet and winter is half over. (I keep wanting to say ‘almost over,’ but this is Eastern Canada and I’m not going to get my hopes up like that.)
#5) DABBLING IN COLOURWORK MITTENS

I came up with this pattern idea over a year ago, and just got around to casting on and experimenting with it recently. I was determined to knit up at least one sample mitten as a proof of concept, but several things stood in my way. First off, I got the gauge too small - hardly a problem. However, no matter how I fiddled, wherever I secured my green floats behind the long sections of white, the green showed through. I need to do a bit of reading and asking around to see what I’m doing wrong, and then it’s back to the beginning again with these. I really want to try and make a pair of these, as they would be a great gift for a friend of mine.
#6, 7, and 8.) FINISHING IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT



These three items only need buttons to attain functionality. Seriously. That’s it. I even own the buttons required for all three. OH THE SHAME! (Oh yes, and that mysterious not-quite rectangle in the middle is supposed to be a cowl. Ugly it may be, but warm it is. The top is the February Baby Sweater, and the bottom is a standard raglan sweater, both by Elizabeth Zimmerman)
#9) BLORPY AND MINI-BLORP

These were a trial pair to see if my toddler son would put up with thrummed mittens. The first one was too small, and the second one was too stuffed. Then he started playing with them as though they were toys, and I kept losing them, only to find them stuffed into unexpected places. I haven’t yet found the energy to tear them apart and extend them, and the idea of trimming the stuffing seems kind of wrong. Perhaps it is time to toss the blorpy duo and just start again fresh.
*****
Ah. My. Well, I feel slightly lighter for having this confession off my chest. I would say some such bold statement as, “I aim to have all these completed within two months!” or some such thing, but in truth my innards writhe and recoil at the very thought of picking up any of these projects.
I may start small, and sew on some buttons. Then maybe knit a sleeve or two. I might even (*cringe*) shape the bust of the Purple Menace. But at least I have brought my problems to lights, and can be held accountable for them. If you see me knitting away on some delightful little hat project, feel free to ask me how my sweaters are going.
And hey, with house guests for 2 weeks, I now have no place to hide my shameful knitting secrets. All these UFOs are going to be sitting in my bedroom, staring at me balefully as I try to sleep. Perhaps that will help.











